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i constantly wonder, if were face to face right now, at this very moment, i would have a list of unanswered questions for you.  i would also have a shitload of things to tell you.  things that i've been saving underneath my chest for quite some time.  revelations and truths.  facts and corrections.  many things that would only take a few words to explain, and others that would take an entire day to get to the bottom of.  nonetheless, if we were to be face to face right now, you can pretty much bet your cute ass that the moment would be very akward, nostalgic, and very hostile.  and, i can safely say that at that moment, when we're looking at each other, the one thing that would be obviously floating around in our minds would be how exactly in the blue fuck did it come to this.

but, here's a problem.  as much as i would love to look you straight in those baby blues of yours and straightin things out, without any censorship whatsoever, i can't help but restrain myself from it.  you may ask yourself, why?  well, here's the thing.  for some reason... for some very inexplicable reason, i can't, for the life of me, do or say anything that can hurt you in any way at this moment. 

in these situations, with other people, they ususally tend to go at each other's throats.  i mean, you know this, because i know this.  they'll go straight for each other's sweet spots.  any other guy in my place would've done something in spite for payback or to get some sorta revenge on you.  but in my case, i can't do something like that just to try to look cool. 

now, don't get me wrong.  i'm not a whimp nor a coward.  i usually don't "jew" myself out what's coming to me.  and you're well aware that i can be a cold bastard when the situation calls for it.  you've seen that side of me, but you've never experienced it.  and honestly i think you never will.  i was mad at you.  in a way, i think i'm mad still.  now, giving everything we've said and experienced, you can't really say that my reaction was that surprising to you.  still, after all of it, i can't just turn around and leave you behind.  i can't see myself doing that, specially to you.  as to why i can't do that, well, heavens if you don't know by now, then i don't know how else to explain it.

don't take what i've said just now as offensive.  by not walking away from you, i'm not trying to say in any way that you're useless, or incapable of taking care of yourself.  because i think you are capable of doing whatever you set yourself to do.  not only have you looked after yourself all this time, but you've also managed to raise and care of a sweet little girl, that let's face it, if it wasn't for you, god only knows what would've happend to her.  and about her, we can all see that you've done an amazing job raising her.  it's no easy feat to take care of a child, specially given the circumstances you faced.  i've often told you that you're stronger than me.  you've always been stronger. 

but going back to my point, the last time we spoke on the phone was very akward, to say the least.  i know, prior to the moment, i told you that i didn't want anything to do with you.  and then i called.  why did i say that to you?  well, because i was mad, for obvious reasons.  however, when it comes to uttering those words, i can honestly say that we both have said them before, only to find ourselves calling each other some time later.  i've done it, and you've done it.  at those moments, did we mean those words?  perhaps.  or it was just out of spite.  or it was the heat of the moment; only you and i know.  what i'm sure of is that, in my case, which i hope that it's your case as well, after uttering them, i only found regret afterwards.

if by now, all this seems to cryptic, then let me be simple.  what i'm trying to say is that right now, at this moment, i still care about you.  i've always have, hence my expression to you, that you're hard to forget.  but what i'm not trying to say is that i want us back together again.  don't get me wrong.  i do love you.  but for me to see us together as before, it's difficult, given everything in between and the circumstances right now.  it took me a hell of a lot to acknowledge this, let alone accept it.  if you wanna move on with your life with someone else, that's fine.  i have to live with that.  but try to understand that because we shared so much in the past 5 years or so, me walking out on you seems highly unlikely.  the way i see it, i'm just gonna stand back and watch you evolve.  there's a heap of shit going with your life, and i'm sure, because life sucks, there's more to come.  some is in your hands to control and prevent, some isn't.  and it's not right for me to add more to what you already have to manage. 

the point of all this is not to give you nor myself any false hope for the future.  it's also to show you that even though i was really, really pissed off at you, in no way does that mean that i hate you.  and you and i know that there's a difference between being mad and hate.  it's also to let you know, though i'm sure you knew this already, that since the day i've met you, i've only wished the best for you.  granted, we've clashed heads so many times, my intentions have never changed.  they remain sincere.  i've always told you that you deserve the best in life, and nothing more. 

what happens after this, i have no idea.  are we to become friends?  or two strange weirdos?  i honestly don't know.  but what i do know, is that if you dare call what we had a "phase" again, which for the record, it was quite cruel, i'm gonna get on a plane and fly south just to punch in the tits.

in spite of it all, you know me, and you know who i am.  and i know you.  and you're not a bad person. 

you're a terrific person.  you're my favorite person. 

but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.